Rupert watch

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2-page love in for 'airplay' today in the sunday bear - awesome 'active female in hoodie clutching ipod' image in centre of a cluster of reviews for powered speakers that will stream Your iFail/iPodge/iWank for You on awesome tinny multimedia speakers that move about as much air as a bee farting, and effect air local pressure as much as a falling souffle.. Some of these pointless devices cost a GRAND! Anyway, another 'feature' from apple that is imply-marketed to the blind applesaps as something apple is good at, which users of ARCHOS or SONY products got tired of 4 years ago, is STILL going strong - the abilty to play your musics on a 'docking station' without docking! awesome! so like, instead of putting your iFail in a slot to charge and play, You can sit across the room with it in your hand, streaming via Wifi to the dock.. wow.. IS THERE ANYTHING APPLE PRODUCTS CANNOT DO? i think not.

I have to take offense to this marked as BEST BUY: a B&W 'zeppelin air' iPod streaming blah, cost 500euro+, looks like stewie griffin's head, and is capable of sounding as good as ANY ghetto blaster from the 80's - except a good one.. for 500 euro, i could get a basic 600watt professional PA amplifier, a connecting lead, 2 3-way PA speakers & leads, and shipping (from the likes of thomann.de or xmusic.ie) and then proceed to permanently damage my hearing, or at the very least cause dizzyness when swallowing..

but wait, none of that involves me actively engaging with my iProduct, and parting with money that will indirectly benefit apple.. ah well, never mind eh!!

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Nice 2-page spread in the SUNDAY TIMES IN-GEAR section this weekend, detailing 5 Droid handsets that are better then the iPhone.. WHAT? really? that's a landmark turning -point for the publication, to not only admit it's possible that something could be more awesome then an apple product, but FIVE? no! Well, hold on now, wait, as usual, android is not as good as something - no, not the fuc*ing iFail, this week the android system is NOT AS GOOD AS ITSELF! In the (highlighted in a different colour) summation box, the hack poses the question: WHAT IS ICE CREAM SANDWICH? - it's the next revision of android firmware, the 4.x series! Oh yes, this means that all the handsets on the page, all 5, all superior to the iFail, are in fact inferior to the mythical 'soon to be released' version 4 of android - devaluing the current range of androids by implication that there is better to come and You should wait. But, but, but, but.. Don't apple do this all the time? Like, stagger releases and features to get You to pay for the same featureset over & over again? OH I SEE - That's why all of a sudden Androids are better then iPhones - because they DICK YOU? Apple are masters of this - adding some lame feature they stole from someone else, and selling the same hardware as 'better' then the previous version.. Like they just did with the iPhone 4S - which features the awesome 'Siri' voice recognition, which is FAR superior to the forthcoming Android 4.x's voice recognition, true, cos it says so here in print. (hint: the firmware does not exist yet..)

ANDROID USERS: press & hold the little microphone logo on your keyboard, or the microphone button on your device, talk, and pause - enjoy your voice recognition, then get bored of it and save time by using your finger in future. Wait, You already did that 2 years ago? oh sorry.

APPLE iPHONE USERS: buy an android for christ's sake, we won't laugh at You, after the initial induction ceremony and 2 week humiliation & reparation period has elapsed, we promise.

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Nice attempt at 'passing-off' in an article in IN-GEAR (sunday times, again..) today.. This weekend our top-tip-tech-team get nitty gritty with LAPTOPS.. You know you are in for an 'fair & balanced' review when the sub-headline is: "WINDOWS LAPTOPS ARE SHEDDING THEIR PLAIN IMAGE TO BECOME SLIMMER, SLEEKER AND QUICKER - AN EVEN RUN FOR LONGER." - this is akin to asking a premier-league footballer in an interview if he still likes to sodomize young boys after he beats his wife while high on crack.. How can You open a review of hardware by saying the product group is PLAIN, FAT, UGLY SLOW and has a shit battery? I'll tell you how - skip to the end, and read the 'conclusion' - for example, when reviewing the mighty ASUS UX21 - not even a top-of-the-range ASUS, spaface macfag says as a Verdict: EVEN AIR OWNERS WILL BE IMPRESSED.

Your honour, the prosecution rests, again.

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Not a good weekend for rupert's gang.. the offices of THE SUN were raided yesterday, and the pigs had to pretend they were all surprised and shit, much wailing and WTF? from everyone who works there, all trying to look surprised, and not draw too much attention to the portacabins in the carpark full of shredding machines, and the portacabin for SERVICING shredding machine next to it.. Anyway, good luck with that.. Somehow, THE SUNDAY TIMES managed to retain some dignity by running the story on it's front page, blissfully skimming over the details, knowing full well that the splash banner over the story pointing out this sunday's edition has the TOP 500 APPS IN THE WORLD suppliment stuffed inside would distract even apple-haters like me..

Good pre-amble, explaining to potential investors and advertisers WHAT IS AN APP, and the various places You can get them. As an extension to their 'RIM are fu*ked' article in the same issue's business section, they skip over the Blackberry app store, falling just short of saying it will give you AIDS, then move on to butter up microsoft (who will partner rupert soon in a netflix slayer..) claiming their app store for windows mobile (remember that?) has been 'well received'. Well, that's a relief to all of us planning on pissing a grand up the wall on the new Nokia.. Of coarse, the GOOGLE MARKET is 'not as unregulated and wild' as it used to be, but is obviously 'unregulated and wild' and will probably rape your face, while stealing your internets. Naturally, the APPLE app store has more apps ACTUALLY TAILORED FOR TABLETS then anyone else, and boasts quality control second-to-none, meaning the apps are awesome and cool. good. glad we got that sorted.

OMG what a feast for the rupert-watch team once You dive in... every page, every category RAMMED with rupert-loving goodness.. FOR EXAMPLE, in NEWS APPS, the top are THE SUNDAY TIMES APP and SKY NEWS for the iPhone & iPad.. wow.. good start.. You know the rest.. Really, You do.

What struck the team on reading this gem this morning was that it's obviously geared towards people who do not own any of the devices it's quantifying.. It's like a presentation from the start, with a heavy bias on rupert product, and fuc*ing apple. It;s obvious cracks are forming in the apple/rupert lovin though, when You find elsewhere in the rag a 3/4 page story where a hack cold-calls apple's 'cloud computing' north carolina data centre, and gets the scientology treatment at the door. He concludes that the data centre uses as much power as 250,000 UK homes, and this will rise as more stupid people store their personal crap in apple's vault. The centre located itself in north carolina as it has the cheapest electricity in the states - all derived from burning COAL from strip mining. oh yes. it has started.

lol cloud computing. let's leave that for another day shall we...

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Obviously Rupert & friends have been keeping their heads down after the phone mailbox hacking scams coming to light.. So, it's nice to see a return to form this Sunday in THE SUNDAY TIMES, where the ever-reliable fair & balanced team at IN GEAR take laptops to the 'test bench' and compare 4 <2 grand laptops to a fagbook air.. They rightly point out that apple introduced the fagbook air in 2008, but wrongly claim they invented the 'super slim' laptop, and did so by loosing the magnetic hard disc and CD rom - this accolade goes to ASUS and the eeepc, and Sony with their RICH GIRLY range of skinny laptops that rape you in the face when you try to upgrade them or need them fixed - another trick apple stole from them.

But, to the serious business of lying and overlooking the facts - they claim the fagbook air is king because it is 'best for first-time users'. that's it. that is all. no faster, better, harder, longer cheaper or whatnot - just best for newbs. that about sums up apple - perfect for people who don't yet know any better.

The fagbook has 'superb build quality' and 'addresses previous complaints'.. it also provides the 'best user experience' while the IBM/Lenovo ideapad on review 'cannot compete with the allure of the apple laptops' - ahh i see, allure. i'll remember that when i'm buying my next number-crunching system.. allure.. gotcha..

Strange, the HP spectre machine on review has 'best sound', the same processor as the fagbook, same ssd, same battery time and same glass screen, but adds a hdmi output, 'beats audio' no-slip rubber underside and is cheaper then the fagbook, but it looses a star in it's rating because it's not an apple.

Meanwhile, Of coarse, the asus model in the article has an 'ugly' screen, yet it's the best display on offer. it also has 'a metallic feel' and 'sharp edges', and despite having an i7 processor (thats 2 more then the fagbook's i5) it's still inferior, as it's more suited to 'serious users'

So, there You have it - apple 5 stars, everyone else will take your eye out and wreck your head. simples..

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It's been a while - Rupert has been lying low after the "hacking" allegations - (note: ringing someone's mailbox from a landline and using the default password to listen to the messages is NOT hacking, it's mailbox 101, and tought to 3yo kids by their 5yo cousins) and as a result, his rags have had to close ranks to cover the space left by NOTW.. THE SUN now no longer features jugs, and ST is thinner every week. Also: Clarkeson's ramblings are less amusing now his formula is clearcut, making for less lulz in the INGEAR/MOTORING section. The sacred teachings of Jeremy are now to be found in other sections of the ST, so this makes things like the highly entertaining INGEAR section less likely to be read. They know this, so are now interleaving it physically with totally opposing content.

The latest round of wanking is 2-fold: Blatent claims this week that "now apple products are not just for geeks!" - obviously someone new is on copy this week, as we all know apple's actual product payload is "implication of geekclub membership".. I guess someone finally read the sticker on the box of their iFail - THIS PRODUCT MAKES YOU HIP AND COOL AND 1337 AND AWESOME AND HIP AND WITH IT - DESIGNED IN CALIFORNIA. In other rags the same day. Someone is stirring shit for apple, which is nice. I think the culprit might be the appearence of the Micro$oft SHITE tablet in pretty much every add in every paper this weekend, along with articles claiming that right now webhosting is equally cool with a windows backend or Linux. The killer here is, the same article explains in it's opening what hosting ACTUALLY IS. wait, why would anyone write this? It's clearly aimed at the same twats who think their apple products are cutting edge - trying to associate micro$oft with teh internets and websites. Anyone with even a mild passing interest in hosting knows linux is to hosting what water is to the sea, so this is aimed at undermining Linux? to get people to trust microsoft and buy a brand new SHITE for xmas? Really? OK, well, people bought the apple spoof, so they might just do this i guess.

Secondly, and full-frontal in the ST this weekend, TV bundles. You know the slang - Triple-play, Fibre, On-Demand.. FU*K OFF. Some wanker on hypnotics in the breakout claims he is waxing eu155.50 on tv/phone/broadband from (wait for it) SKY. Rupert is now listening to every move he makes, and he is paying 160blips a month for it. A proxy claims "households are switching to these bundles to stay in control of their spending" - orly. well, how about lighting a spliff filled with fois gras and caviar with a 500euro note? you are in control of that, so that makes it OK, right?

The usual crap is quoted, comparing speeds with the competition - SKY is actually 3rd in the league. UPC with their fibre/copper nodes win on speed, Eircom's Fibre/copper comes 2nd and SKY 3rd. WTF? If i was editing i'd have skipped this little clanger. Every twat out there KNOWS that the FASTER your internets, the BIGGER your internets. It's like cars, or penises. The faster You deploy it's use, the more awesome You think You are. OK, so if You want to up the average displaytime for a .jpg on facef*ck or instawank from 50ms to 20ms, then go ahead, get UPC or SKY - but enjoy your packet-shaping and contribution to research!!! Also: enjoy your letters from [every fading monopoly] complaining about you stealing content while the connection provider shrugs their shoulders and denys enableing you.

Finally in this awesome self-promotion bonanza, the tired "..industry experts say..." quote at the end: CONSUMERS ARE DITCHING PAY TV IN FAVOUR OF WATCHING TV ONLINE - what that should read is PEOPLE ARE TORRENTING SHIT WHEN THEY WANT TO WATCH IT INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR PERMISSION FROM THE LOCAL RIGHTS OWNER. Not sure how this should be understood - but if i know my rupertisms, it means SKY cannot wait to get out of the bouquet business, and just let people steal content through a paywall - FU*K the originators of the content.

Hey, You remember the first round of advertising for DSL broadband? Wasn't it's strength something about being able to download music and movies quicker then ever before? (etc.)

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Another Sunday, Another SUNDAY TIMES, another IN-GEAR section, brimming with lies and bias. This time it's Time for an old favorite of RUPERT WATCH - THE TABLET SHOWDOWN. In the ring this time, the AMAZON KINDLE FIRE, The KOBO ARC 10HD, The Micro$oft Surface 2, Samsung Galaxy Note 10.1 - all squaring off against the pre-decided winner, the APPLE iPAD AIR!

So, You already know tha iPad gets 5 stars, as it's an iPad, everything else gets 4 stars as it's not an iPad, except for the KOBO which gets only 3 stars because we have never heard of it until now. In Fact, i suspect it doesn't exist.

Some Lovely touches in the article - like the iPad is the only device depicted with human hands touching it - NICE! Got to like the fact that the Samsung has no price and alot of TBC crap in the title, meaning You skip over it as it's 'not available' - You then miss the clangers that it's got more pixels, poxels, rum, ram, rim and rom then the iPad, but is SQUARELY aimed right at the iPad air. So, in short, i'ts technically better in every way, but a clone of the apple, and not actually available. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG. etc.

I love the way the iPad (general purpose computing device) is compared to the Kindle (e-reader) and the Kobo (e-reader made by someone we have never heard of) in the same breath. This is like comparing the new Ford Focus to a mango, and saying the mango has poor handling. Unless of coarse the iPad has suffered the same lobotomy as the rest of the apple range - loosing hardware, connectivity, power and lifespan to cut costs, then comparing it to devices that have little more then 1-function is typical rupert style. "This dog turd really falls behind the iPad when it comes to not getting shit on your fingers from using it.." - "The wifi on the used tampon was intermittent when compared to the apple iPad..." (etc.)

One shocker is the MICRO$OFT SURFACE 2 is cheaper then the iPad. If You have used the SURFACE, You now it's a lovely piece of kit.. Sadly, it's crippled with Windows 8, so needs [anything else] installed on it before You can be seen in public with it. The ON-GEAR team correctly note it's 'not as much fun' as the other devices, as it's clearly an actual computer, and capable of showing You how webpages ACTAULLY look, and running those little things like a proper non-NSA mail client and the rest. This 'not as much fun' claim is true in the same way as camping in a tent in a forest is 'more fun' then being at home in bed - yes, 'more fun', but also fuc*ing freezing, and You could get eaten by badgers at any time. F*CK 'more fun', show me the webpages and content, and stop trying to sell me, or sell to me. Surely the 4 stars for the Surface 2 is wrong? or is it a different rating system to the one used for the iPad? Like, they are poles apart! one is a portable computer, being forced to look at pictures of cats and browse chinese electronics knockoffs, the other is a spy device that conspires against You from the moment You start it for the first time! (protip: cover the camera on Your iPad with black tape, the new firmware features 'face recognition' in the same way the new Xbox One knows where in the room You are sitting..) Here, forget it, if You want a Microsoft portable, get something that won't use 1/2 the screen as a keyboard that randomly adds shit into what you type.. er.. wait.. (etc.)

Finally, Kudos to the IN-GEAR team for totally avoiding the New quad-core Nexus 7 - roughly 1/2 the price of the iPad, and over 9000% less shit. Also: good job avoiding the dual-core TESCO tablet, now under 100euro and also better then the iPad. same for the ACER and ASUS and (even) Archos offerings - all streaks ahead, all packing out-of-the-box win, all far far far cheaper.

REMEMBER KIDS: apple products are designed to be bought by retards, for stroking their techno-ego's in exchange for a constant stream of cash.. everyone else's products are things You pay for, use for a bit, then break or forget to charge for a year, and then throw out.

[Carload]

Ha ha this is the funniest thing I've read in ages, I fucking hate apple.

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iPad bollocks again

the ST dated 01.02.2015 had an epic 55% pictures full-page in the IN-GEAR section, posing as a BUYERS GUIDE for tablet computers..

Now, as we all know, anyone with anything non-passive to do has no interest in any tablet device, but for sponges of crap, they are a positive boon as you can check your status and updates in bed or on a hot-air baloon, leaving one hand free to jerk off or take pictures of yourself.. nice.. BUT, how about this for typical apple-sucking fuckwit nonsense as a headline:

Small-Form Android tablets offer hardware close to the standards of the iPad Mini but at much lower prices

From the very start we are treated to the usual brainwashed biased wank that iProduct is the leader, everything else is a cheaper subset. Classic. Now, i won't bore You with any facts here, let's just enjoy some buzz-word ejaculations used to describe the iFail mini under the banner "Apple or Android?" -

"Best-in-class" (ref to rear camera)
"In some ways it's the best" (ref to the iFail mini)
"..chip designed by apple" (ref to apple making their own products, despite them being made by samsung)
"...App Store and it's 500,000-plus tablet-optomised apps, there are far fewer for android tablets" (outright fabrication)


Awesome i'm sure You will agree. And, TOTAL nonsense as We have come to expect from a Rupert placement mascerading as consumer advice! epic!

There is no attempt here to offer any balence - the article starts off with the bold statement that You can nearly aquire the awesomeness of the mighty iPad for less money by going with an inferior product, and from there the entire direction of the article is how close to the awesome iPad the others nearly get, while never actually becoming an iPad. Nothing much to see here, move along please.

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OK, so i was going to retire RUPERT WATCH, but the above post inspired me to keep going, and i'm glad i did as THIS week's ST delivered something rare: apple sucking in the main broadsheet section posing as actual news. OK, so it's in the back of the paper, in the INTERNATIONAL NEWS section.. Not as you'd expect the latest stats for suicide and depression at FoxConn, but a 1/8 page corner headline and wank:

BUTLERS HELP FIT GOLD APPLE WATCH

Where the brave John Harlow, based in LA (man) relays the good news that if you are so brain-fried that You think dropping $5000 on a gold iWatch, then the applestore will have a specially trained member of staff to 'fit' the device to your arm. They will measure it and set the strap to fit your fat wrist, and handle the tricky business of pairing it's blutooth to your other apple devices - like the iFail, and the iSpend - enabling the watch to do stuff like tell you when you get an etweetgram or whatever the fuc* you have set it for. The price unfortunately does not cover the butler taking the watch OFF your wrist every 12-24 hours to charge it, that would be something for your domestic staff to undergo iTraining for at the Scifag/Applefag ranch in florida (another $15000 per level of training, of which there are 12), nor does it include the cost of the backup unit You will need to wear while the other one is charging.

In a rare pang of ethical paradox, the author points out in the very last line of the add - carefully written after another line that is so boring you should have moved on to the picture of mylie cyrus on the next page by then - that the new iWatch needs charging every day, while the (obviously inferior) Pebble watch lasts a week, and has already sold 1m uints. Pffffft, 1m units, it's obviously nonsense, as it only costs $99 and does not, er, wait, it *DOES* work with apple devices. oh. shit. so.... eh..... (moving on)

I should disclose i have a pebble. i use it as a watch, cinfigured on my Nexus 5 when needed, i have no blutooth enabled, no notifications, no wankery, and it lasts more like 2 weeks between charges. i sync it every few days to make sure the clock is internet synced, and i use it on air as a 'studio clock' so i'm sure the news goes out when it's supposed to etc. I also play ROGUE on it, because i'm oldschool. I will replace this with the new seiko GPS-locked kenetic watch as soon as it becomes available.

So, to sum up: Having my watch tell me to look at the thing in my pocket is BEYOND FUC*ING STUPID, but waving a gold piece of bling tech about, then pulling out my iBling to see what the fuss is about, or simply staring at my watch instead in just about showing off. Which looks more stupid - crouching over a tiny screen and squinting, or holding your wrist up to your face with your elbow out to the flank like you are at the mad-hatter's tea party, to scroll through an important notification that another cat video has appeared in your Instafail stream? the latter methinks, and this is compunded by the fact you MAY HAVE paid $5000 for it.

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Tablet showdown!!!

First RW spotting of 2016, and it's another whopper asslicking load of shite, this time it's back to TABLETS. No, not the fun ones that make Your nob hard or make you feel awesome, we are talking about the large phones without phones in them we all own at least 3 of and never use anymore. This time the always amusing IN GEAR section of the ST disguises another contra review by placing it in the TECH AND GAMES section, and it's a 3-way battle between the GOOGLE PIXEL C, the iPAD PRO and MICROSOFT SURFACE PRO 4. You know already that because this is the Sunday Times, as sure as jeremy clarkson will write about stuff you will never have experience of so cannot contradict him on, that the iPad is going to win. This kicks off in predictable style in the overview of the Google device. The piece starts off by 'showing balance' - pointing out that android is the most deployed OS on the planet, then counters this by claiming the device is "..google's attempt to show how it can now compete with the king of tablets, the apple ipad..."

A few things to point out here ('cos i can..) Firstly, it's not NOW it can compete, Android pre-dates Ios on tablets, so it's actually the other way around. Secondly, it's not an attempt, it's an addition to a line of dominant devices in the sector. Thirdly, the iPad is not the king of tablets, it's the toll paid for stupidity and avarice, Fourthly, it's not 'SHOW', it is in competition, and has been, and lastly, NOT AGAIN - just please fu*k off with this shit. Nobody cares. even people like me who despise apple products (post the apple ][ ofc) now own an ipad by mistake and have no interest in it, after the initial kick of having to jump through hoops to get it to do something simple without phoning the ghost of steve jobs every time it is turned on.. stop. stop it now.

So anyway, where was i? Oh yes, first section of 3 reviews, talking about the google device, and 4 lines down we are already implying this is an inferior product cos' the fuc*in' iPad is king. Anyway. Onward with a bland copy/paste of the spec, then a wildly inaccurate claim that "not many apps have yet been optomised for the device.." - as we know, Android is different on every device it is used on, so needs apps to be custom made for each one. NOT. ok, enough. hatchet job done.

Second bit, pleasingly in the middle of the playfield visually, is for the iPad PRO - PRO means it cost a fuc*ing GRAND, and the good news is, because it's an apple, the apps do not need to be re-written for it. seriously, it says that. right. What a relief, after reading that the Android device has a lack of apps, it's good to know the apple device has plenty of apps ready to go. Well, in fairness, the headline above this piece on the PRO is "BEST FOR APP STORE" - well now, fancy that. of the 3 devices, one google, one micro$hit and one apple, the apple device is BEST for the app store? WHO KNEW??? OH, and one more + point before we reach for the credit card - the ipad PRO FEELS LIKE A LAPTOP!!!!!!!!!! i dunno about you, but i'm dumping my alienware now, and getting a iPAD PRO.

Finally, the microsoft Surface PRO4. poor Matt (the author) has to admit the microsoft machine runs a real OS (win 10), has a USB slot, and has actually got some horesepower inside it. He admits it's the best device, cleverly cloaking his relief under strict NEWS INTERNATIONAL guidelines, but sticks the boot in in the closing arguments, saying the touchscreen/tablet mode is "clunky compared to android or ios.." wait, so what he is saying here is, if you want a powerful device, then you must suffer it being CLUNKY. oh right, just like a CAT D10 Bulldozer is clunky when compared to a SMART CAR, yet more powerfull when you want to move dirt?

Right. So, another stunning turnout for apple and rupert, who continue their love affair, despite the total lack of healthy outcome so far, and the total lack of enthusiasm the world has for irritating oversized weakling devices, when all they really want is to be famous and loved by millions - a promise that apple has not delivered on after they dropped ~5000 euro over the last 5 years on apple shite in a vain hope that they would become hip, cool and creative.

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One thing You can rely on in Rupert's gang is an ability for members to appear authoritative and plausible in situations where You need direction. Take today's ST for example. A joyous spread from JEREMY CLARKSON, claiming TWITTER IS DEAD, after he had his ass handed to him on twitter this week, for attempting to get some shine off of the transgender community. Lovely. a great great moment. I cannot WAIT to see the new amazon series jazza (where you make sure Your crew is packed with jews, black and queers, most of them lesbian, irish, and in wheelchairs) - I hear on the 'behind-the-scenes grapevine' that it's fuc*ing terrible, but not even 10% as crap as the BBC replacement for TOP GEAR, which has had more people walk off it then walk off CNN in mid-read. How are Your 2 pissed-up mates? i see their solo projects are banished to the NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC ANIMAL SHED CHANNEL at 4am on a wednesday already. Talk about clearing the decks for an incoming credibility value drop.

SPEAKING OF WHICH.

ANYWAY, with this in mind, i was stimulated to read MATT BINGHAM's scan of the latest and greatest in Android handsets in the same organ today. Great headline claims that droids now have a "...better screen then the iPhone.." - wow what a start! Now then. How can this POSSIBLY go all applefag on us? surely it's not possible? Well, the first fuc*ing line of the first review goes in hard and dry: on the HTC A9 "..weather it's meant as a knock off...[snip] ...if You are going to steal, you might as well steal from the best.." - Matty is ofc referring to the design benchmark that is the iPhone. Yes i'm serious here. An item masquerading as a consumer review/informatique has fallen into applefag territory in the first couple of lines of a 4-part overview. fantastic. IS that it then? oh no. in we go with the "...apple has sold several hundred million of it's model 6...." - not only is this totally pointless to state, given it's a droid piece, but it's also a lie. The number of ALL iPhone since day 1 MANUFACTURED are in the 100mil range, but the model 6 has not sold to 1 in 10 people on the planet. Poor Matt must be thinking of MOBILE PHONES, and confusing them with iPhones, the same way your ganny thinks all vacum cleaners are made by HOOVER. Is this spoof a last stab at the might of the droid, in the face of disaster announced this week from apple re: profits, numbers, sales and the total 'men-in-black' erasure of the iWatch from the lineup? You did see their share prices fall to fu*k this week, right? Go on, admit it, You felt happy when You saw that. Even diehard apple fans felt 10 years younger on hearing that shit. Yup, thats right. Now You see why this little droid roundup is still written from an 'apple vs. everyone else' perspective. There is simply no reasoning with these people, they are brainwashed IN PLAIN SIGHT, and likely had a memo this week to remember to big up the apple posse in any way possible in light of the shitty figures, reminding them that their pensions are almost entirely linked to apple shares. All of this kicked off early in the week, with FOX and SKY reporting on the share-price drop, while dropping heavy hints that the new iPhone 7 is going to fix everything, Did You notice that? every commentator that touched on the applefail managed to get in the carrot of the iPhone 7 - SO DON'T DUMP YOUR SHARES YET PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE.

Anyway, the piece staggers thru' the HTC a9 (a year+ old), the Nexus 5X (contract mopup, replaced by the motorola Nexus 6 about 6 months ago) the Generic Ricecooker GTL-DX Plastickofone (www.dx.com special - $19.99 inc. shipping, non-upgradable, may catch fire..) and the Motorola X-force which is one of the lads TESCO will sell You for 50 blips with 20blips free credit.

NICE SELECTION!!!!!!!!

REALLY SHOWING THE BLEEDING EDGE THAR PAL!!!!!!

So where is the Fuc*ing Nexus 6? How about the Sammy Galaxy Curve? Yeh, best not mention them. Moving on. So, i really have little more to add here - another FANTASTIC performance from the lads at N.I., reaching out to find fair, balanced appletruth. again. again. Lads - look around You, You have been drip-fed technology in pre-school form now by apple for 5+ years, You should be ready to embrace an adult Phone now - stop pissing about - get a droid, root it, switch off the snoopy stuff, enjoy it, and feel like a grown-up, You are really starting to look silly now, and the more You do that, the more people erase You from the scheme of things.

BONUS RANT:

I think i KNOW why the apple shares fell so hard this week. It's because they gambled on people's greed, and lost. Want me to share? OK. Innovation is a one-time event. If it's capitalised upon, then that event becomes part of the scheme. Apple did this with the Apple ][ in 1977, and from that platform fumbled away, cloning other innovation and selling it to people who have no space in their brains for low-level understanding of how things work. Recently, experience and FEELING has been replaced with marketing & analysis - that is, information collected from the userbase of current products. If You restrict the activity of a sample, then the data collected is tainted, ("I was offered one religion at birth, and i chose it...") Forcing apple users to behave in a certain way has resulted in conditioning, and now they just nod and drool. Making products to suit a regressing target audience will make stupid products nobody wants to own. Brand alone will not trump functionality. QED. Goodbye apple. Enjoy Your aids.

[playthatbeat]

So the 10th birthday of the iPhone is upon us any second now. iPhone users everywhere wait with baited breath (is that how you say that in print? fu*ked if i know at this stage - ACTUAL text is so 10 years ago..) for apple to unveil the crippling series of updates, that will render the previous 2 generations of iPhones nearly useless, and at the very least, sluggish to the point a user will physically smash it to pieces in a frustrated fit.

Naturally, the SUNDAY TIMES has a full page on the upcoming new hardware - but thanks to the 'fair & balanced' reporting by their San Fran scribe, DANNY FORSTON, the page is only partially a rim-job for apple. Naturally the BOLD TYPE sub-headline boldly quotes from the main body that "..[apple] virtually created the market for tablets overnight,..." - a nice bit of petting and some tongue for the applefags, to get them ready for more serious playtime, drooling over the all-new piece of shit they will be forced into buying shortly.

Anyone who has bothered their arse to scan this thread properly is aware COMPAQ and HTC created the 'connected wireless touchscreen device', and the large-form version (ie: the TABLET) was on sale for years BEFORE the iPAD was ejaculated from apple's cloning rooms, running android initially, then later Windows, under the ARCHOS banner. Poor old ARCHOS, then really had the jump on everyone, it was just Android was not quite there. Their hardware was basically the next step from their MP3 players, but with Android shoehorned in there instead of their own weird e-linux OS. Of coarse the hardware struggled, and upgrading to full/scaling android was not on the cards. So, a dead end, but 1/3 the price of any apple unit, and as long as you didn't hack about with it too much, it was just fine. I still have my Archos 402 (pre droid) and a few still working Droid 1.6 handhelds and minitabs. All fuc*ing useless, but still work fine. No KILL updates, no wankery. Cannot say the same for my family & friends who went for iPads. Holy shit what a pile of bricks. In fairness, even apple's desktops need alchemy to get them to even browse the web after a couple of years, but the portable devices? - forget it. shred them.

So, back the full-page. It's a cautious reach-around for apple, and rightly so. The press turned on apple in the last few years. THE GUARDIAN regularly gleefully reports on the swing away from apple, going for the "..this version needs to save the cult of iPhone.." line, one it has used for the last 3 iPhones. Nice. They back this up by pointing out that hardware sales have TANKED recently for crap like phones. People are keeping their devices longer, and disabling AUTO UPDATES as standard to keep this possible. This means it's a tough sell for apple, as literally, nobody cares about being able to do the same shit they already do after parting with the majority of a grand for the pleasure. No-brainer for people like me & you who know better, but interesting that the sheeple out there are copping this too.

IMHO what the 'turning point' for apple, was when they did away with the headphone socket on a recent design, forcing people to buy fuc*ing horrible brain-cancer wireless buds, that need charging alot, and break about as often as wired headphones, but cost 20 times as much. THIS was a revealing move, even the stupidest sheep in the flock smelled a rat here. Apple KNEW people had checked out of buying their crap in a frenzy, and they knew the market was shrinking. Upgrading was now an option, and the queues outside their shops for the new shit had all but gone. They needed to increase spending on consumables. They already mastered the self-shattering screen, then forced people to use official apple stores to replace these broken screens by introducing the fingerprint scanner, and it's DRM-like behaviour - forcing sheeple to avoid the backstreet asian shops for repairs, and re-stimulate footfall into their own stores - all in high-rent areas - as a safe measure. The bollocks wireless headphones scam was just another thing to go wrong, and sell more crap. People voted with their feet, and walked away.

SO, big deal on this 10th anniversary device. "..markets and tech world aflutter..." says the ST. Yeh right. apple shareholders and suppliers aflutter - NOBODY ELSE CARES ONE SINGLE FU*K. OK, the tone of the article today is NOT sycophantic, the author bravely hints that the 'flutter' is one of fear and anticipation that this will tilt the applecart - THIS is refreshing. The article hints at recent mega-fails, such as the APPLE WATCH - a PEBBLE clone that failed, and caused wrist cancer, but DID start make people habitually glance at their watches all day, which is nice. No real mention of APPLE MUSIC - the reaction to declining iTunes sales Spotify clone that has officially failed, but is too Young to declare as a fail, well, at least until the contracts of the curators are up and they migrate to SiriusXM, as severance would be more costly then plain redundancy.

See any familiar trends here? more cloning - amirite? The phone - a clone of the Xda from HTC, the pad - a clone of the archos line, the watch - clone of the pebble, the iMusic - clone of shittify etc. STANDARD ghost of Jobs activity - his famous advice on 'connecting the dots of the PAST' still ringing true in apple's meetings - observe the past and present, then package it up in a nice box, and sell it to people with more money then sense.

SO, the question is, what can this new device do that my 3yo nexus cannot?

The answer, as usual - "THIS IS AN iPHONE".

10th anniversary iPhone buyers - please enjoy the aids, you deserve it.