Rupert watch

[playthatbeat]

ITT: obvious faggotry from NEWS INTERNATIONAL - the company that brings you:

*the sunday times
*the sun
*sky tv
*the new york times
*fox tv
*bottom-smacker's rubber bondage and massochist monthly
*the news of the world (dec:2011)

to start off: this sunday in the SUNDAY TIMES 'in gear' section (don't smirk, it has clarkson in it..) a review (orly?) of the latest TABLET COMPUTERS. listed are all the biggies (except archos) and the fuc*ing ipad - the reviewer manages to skim through things that mean nothing, to conclude the ipad is best because it has more APPS. of coarse all the other tablets were droids, and all of them were cheaper, more functional, faster and less aids-riddled then the ipad, in fact, a table of 'specs' had the ipad loosing in every catagory: battery life, camera resolution, aids-factor, price etc., yet winning overall because RUPERT is now publishing all of his rags through iTunes, and that makes it good enough to lie about.

This is a REGULAR fixture in rupert's papers, at least weekly there is a 'technology review' that makes the ipad out to be awesome.

See how many plugs for the ipad YOU can spot in rupert papers over the coming year or 2 the ipad has left before going the way of the iphone/newton/imac/steve job's kidneys - you get 1 point for every casual mention, 5 points for every blatent lie about it.

[playthatbeat]

dingo's kidneys

also: on SKY NEWS - the largest money-pit in the rupert camp currently, the minimum time you can be on air (daytime) without plugging one of SKY's premium sports channels has recently been reduced to 10 minutes. See how long you can stick the TOTAL COVERAGE before you find yourself mid-way through a 5 minute package on CRICKET or some other pile of fuc*ing crap, designed to lure you into a subscription to a wall-to-wall cricket (or badminton, airhockey, glue sniffing etc..) channel.

protip: the 2 cheapest things in the world to broadcast are talent shows and SPORT

fact: by tolerating this shite, you are breeding a new generation of wayne rooneys

edit: should read: "tapdancing singing wayne rooneys"

[jasonmcareedj]

STOP







or i will attack and you dont want that.



Iv'e got the POWER

[playthatbeat]

Bought the sunday times today, in my post-asylum reunion hangover, mostly to LOL at the U2 Tax protest reports, and the see if the Louis-walshe cock-gate story was in, oh and to read clarkeson, and LO AND BEHOLD - front page of the CULTURE magazine (the TV guide bit)

THE FUTURE FACE OF LITERATURE all on the wasteland app: actors perform it, critics dissect it, Pound revises it and Eliot recites it. How the iPad is revolutionising the way we read

FACT: the only bit of the sunday papers that survives till the following sunday is the TV guide bit - so this is YET ANOTHER wanky attempt to legitimize the fuc*ing iPad, only this time, it's being presented as THE FUTURE OF THE ARTS.

Enough?

Oh no, turn to the INGEAR section - the gadget and cars bit, and the front page is some stunt-hands using an iPad WHILE WATCHING TELEVISION. on the TV is some irritating tennis - so i guess that's why the model is using a fuc*ing iPad, cos tennis sucks balls, BUT, the tagline:

ZAPPER ZAPPED the apps that will kill off your TV remote

So, the iPad is so awesome, you can use it to programme your SKY bocks now, and while you are at it, why not ditch that remote control that easily goes missing and needs a new battery once a year, and get a $799 iPad instead?!??!

Please, PLEASE, fu*k off with Your iPad shite.

(this was written on my android)

[jasonmcareedj]

ipad is some gimmick!

[playthatbeat]

Apple say the iPad is 'a revolutionary tool for the future generations of awesome people, and not a pile of crap i swear...'

WE say the iPad is about 800 quid.

[jasonmcareedj]

i cant understand why anyone would want one?

why not just get a macbook????What phone do you have now tim?

i have to admit i have a iPhone4

[playthatbeat]

As You all know, rupertville took a hit this week, having to change the name of THE NEWS OF THE SCREWS to THE SUNDAY SCREW, but they went out in style, with a multi-page spread of previous headlines, all testifying to the awesome journalistic skillz of the rag over the past 168 years.. World exclusives like GIGGSY TO PICK UP MILK ON WAY HOME and GERRY DOES LUNCH WITH SOMEONE SOON leaping out.. Sadly, no apple-loving headlines were deemed awesome enough for inclusion..

BUT, the very last GADGET page evar managed to astound with it's wankology, publishing as it did a TOP 10 CHRISTMAS GIFTS - good move, given it's july, but yeh, the fuc*in iPad is number one... But, someone must have realized that apple are riddled with fail and aids, and stuck in the new GOOGLE CHROME NETBOOK at number 5, or 7, or something, managing to imply that it would soon be standard issue 'in the office' - PROOF that apple use rots Your brain.. Oh yes, lets use THE FUC*ING CLOUD for everything.. all our email, all our documents - LETS STORE THEM ON GOOGLE'S SERVERS.. that's almost as cool as handing Your shit to steve jobs to drool over, except obviously not as cool as it's not made by apple.

also: again this week in the MENSTUFF section, a PLANET OF THE APPS review on 4 apps that will change your fu*king life, 3 are exclusivly iPhone, 1 is on everything - and we all know, if something is available on all platforms, that's iPhone, droid, blaqueberry and Symbian, then i'ts GOT to be crap - so in fairness, the review was totally ON MESSAGE - buy and iProduct.

[jasonmcareedj]

Poor Alan bradley looks ruffled on the mirror and the star. Not a happy camper.

In fairness ud think they would have left the stuff there like, its not like they built a house on the land, i didnt think u needed planning for a temporary structure?

[brain]

http://thejot.wordpress.com/2010/01/...ok-are-better/ Dunno whats more fucking evil, ipads or rupert?

[playthatbeat]

An awesome week in rupert's life - he realized leaving his kids to run THE NEWS OF THE SCREWS and SKY may have been a mistake, as they tumble out of existance..

THE SUNDAY TIMES this weekend (170711) bleats in a 2-page special that FOX NEWS has totally got away with hacking 9/11 victims' phones in the states, and that it's all cooled down and they have defo got away with it for sure, i asssure You, all is well, carry on enjoying FOX.. So, no need to panic there, don't go selling Your shares in News Corp or anything, please. (not)

Also, INGEAR section again delivers an aweseom bit of logic, the £99 android tablet has hit the supermarkets in the UK - an Archos product, known as ARNOVA, is apparently 1/4 the price of the superior iPad2! orly? so the iPad2 is 400 quid now is it? wow, thats a nearly 50% price drop in only a week! Fu*k me i must go an buy one! Anyway, the overview is highly biased, and negative - stating things like "it runs Android 2.1 (eclair) which is 18 months old.." , "..it has no blutooth, ruling out using a wireless keyboard..", "..it has no 3g option, so you will have to stay in wifi zones to do email.." while making things like it's SD slot appear unremarkable, when in fact the single action of having removable swappable storage on board makes it superior to ALL portable apple devices!

They make a good attempt to make Android 2.1 appear inferior to the Apple OS, stating that Android 3.0 is "..designed to match the awesome performance of the iPad.." - glossing over the fact that apple products are fuc*ing cancer, and monotasking always-on sealed spybot cancer at that..

They RIGHTLY (amazing!) point out that the arnova does not use ANDROID MARKET, but instead uses Archos' totally pointless APPSLIB store, which even diehard Archos fans like me agree is ghey and needs to be hacked out immediatly.. But, there will be NO PROBLEM running MARKET on the Arnova, i assure You. Bottom line: archos drop the big one - a tablet for 99 quid, and News International realize they backed the wrong horse, again.

ENJOY YOUR iPAD AND NEWS INTERNATIONAL SHARES - BOTH HALVED IN VALUE IN THE PAST 7 DAYS!

[playthatbeat]

FOX 'tech team'

So, in the UK/EU, the FOX NEWS we all pirate has the american ads removed, and instead we get inserts - just the same packages You would see in news shows on fox, but with new bumpers.. This is instead of 3 of every 4 add breaks.. WHAT? they cannot sell ads on FOX NEWS? what what?!??! but it's FAIR AND BALANCED and shit.. Oh wait, a conflict of interest might arise if they were to take ads from any of the people with a budget in the UK/EU..

Well, in place of an add-break this hour i caught the FOX TECH TEAM comparing the New samsung 10-inch touchpad with the iPad.. and, GUESS WHAT - yes, the iPad is not 'half baked', and the apps for it are 'quality', while the poor old samsung has honeycomb (droid 3.x) running, but all the apps are not designed for it, and are therefor, er, not designed for it. This will obviously cause your face to melt off, and for You to lose all Your friends and die alone in a nucleur wasteland, populated by roaming zombie cannibals, who all hate You. Also, Samsung only include a hand full of their own apps out of the box - take them away, and you are left with ONLY the stuff on Android market, which as previously pointed out, lacks QUALITY, and has only a measely 65,000 apps.. Interesting He should mention 'once you take them out of the picture..' - this is one of the major advantages of Android over the Apple devices - if You choose not to use something, You can choose not to use something - you CAN remove the base apps if You dont like them, unlike on any apple product, which starts siphoning off Your life-force and cash from the moment it is purchased, and if You decide to opt out of this slow-rape, You lose everything. WOW, that's just like a SKY+ box!! wait, i get it now.. (etc.)

Anyway, The clued-in (white, wearing a shirt..) reporter also pointed out that Android has no QUALITY twitter apps, and no proper NEWSREADER apps. Interesting. So the App twitter provides isn't quality? let me guess, if you use iTunes to access Twitter, then the quality goes up? WHAT? YOU CAN'T USE iTUNES TO READ TWITTER? OMFG! SHIT! Then that means resorting to the app developed by twitter themselves! Goddamn! Same for the news apps, bring Your complaint to CNN, USA TODAY (etc. - in fact any competitor for FOX or NI will do..) and tell them their native apps suck.. OH, and while You are at it mr fox-tech-team-guy-with-a-shirt-and-an-ipad (lol, shirt..) tell it to Your own new-media department, who make the FOX NEWS and FOX NEWS RADIO apps for android.. Both of which work on Droid 1.6 & later flawlessly..

Oh my.

SO, in short:

New samsung at $499 - half baked, no apps, no twitter, no news, cannibal wasteland.
Old iPad at $799+ - awesome and fully featured, with a 'rich' experience.

I hope You all take this on board the next time You decide to piss a few hundred quid up a wall on a touchpad!
(note: i didn't mention Support for FLASH at all in this rant.. )

[playthatbeat]

DEAD iTyrant SPECIAL

So, a STUNNING display of blatent iFaggotry today in the SUNDAY TIMES - which, i must add, is now so thin and pointless, that i will be switching to something else to line the cats' shite tray from next sunday..

in every section there is a heug STEVE WAS JESUS article, but by far the most disturbing was in the NEWS REVIEW section:

It starts by lulling You into a false sense of reality, by stating: "Steve was a bullying boss whose best ideas were copied from others.." but then it launches into a fantastical avalanche of lies, claiming 10 years ago we had no wifi, digital music players, tablet computers, apps, smartphones or social networking, implying that steve somehow made these things a reality overnight.. SHAME. the article then takes 10,000 words to outline how he was a hard & ruthless individual, a genius, a deep thinker, the iconic image of a gordon gekko style mega-mover that we all revere.. It claims he was driven by the chip on his shoulder, that he never had a formal education, so had to perform - something i can relate to for sure - i have seen this 'chip' in action in the music business for 20 years, but in fairness, total and utter bollocks and fantasy for the iFanboys out there - all the targets of Rupert's drive to corner digital news media consumption via - YES - the iPad.

There is also several mentions of the iTV 3 - the third attempt by apple to bring a TIvO style internet TV terminal to the home, which will change the face of television and radio distribution, sometime soon, we promise, and we really mean it this time, liberally peppered into the (many) articles based around steve's untimely death.. How about that for forward selling? Coming soon: SKY partner with Apple for the iTV blah blah internet gizmo wank wank fu*k off..

Anyway, back to the article, which being FOX NEWS ghost-researched, has a healthy rebuttal in a thin column next to the main text, where an implied female waxes on about resenting owning all the apple products since the original MAC Classic - a wonderful message filling the iFag's heads with the nonsense that even people who HATE apple products must use them because they are the best! The column even sites things like the MAC needing to be powered down regularly to flush it's cache else it slows down, and the iPhone's fragility as constant bugbears, but THINGS YOU LEARN TO LIVE WITH because apple is so awesome..

There is some excellent sneaky Rupert triple-bluff at work, not only putting down Steve as an unpleasant character - so deeply dedicated to being a genius that he lacked social skills, but also damning the sacred iProducts for their flimsy build and viral nature (buy one, you buy them all eventually, and keep paying for the experience till you go broke..) and even plugging rivals like nokia as being superior as they build more robust hardware - but always reaching the same conclusion - Apple is the WAY, and despite it's blemishes, it's pure, cool and this man died to bring You things like computing and the modern world as You know it.. The very tone of the article introduction assumes that by now, EVERYONE (even iFags) are sick of hearing how awesome steve was, and it's time to tell the truth - he was a tortured genius - tortured by his chipped shoulder, and DEFO not by the guilt that he was revered by millions for things he simply STOLE, PUT A FENCE AROUND, AND CHARGED YOU TO LOOK AT.

I'm sorry he is dead, it's a shitty way to go - absolutely mint loaded yet helpless, and i did love his apple ][ range, the combination of it and Microsoft (applesoft lol) basic, with the autostart rom, floppydrives and a colourcard was a revelation in 1980 - and it only cost 3 times what a TANDY TRS-80 cost for a similer spec. machine, or 25 times what the 1982 Sinclair Spectrum cost a year later.. Lol.. Nah, seriously, you had to be there, the ][ was friendly, unlike the horrific Commodore PET, but even at 82-83's tradeshows, the Apple III, and then a year later the apple Lisa showed us that something was rotten in silicon valley - the howls of "...WHY?" from everyone as we all migrated to Sinclair spectrum, C-64, and then Amiga and ST - the mac NEVER HAD A LOOK IN.. it sucked, and was overpriced, and had nothing going for it except the membership of the apple gang..

Anyway, another great rupert and the apple chapter closes..

[playthatbeat]

another sunday times, andother iWank

So, this week's INGEAR section of the sunday times - THE place to get filled in on the latest gadgets and blah blah etc., features a nice 1/6 page box on the ALL NEW iPHONE 4S!!! They lament the fact that the only real differences between the 4 and the 4S is the letter 's', really, and some tweaks to the iOS, a faster processor and a higher possible amount of RAM, and the ability to 'sync' wireless style - so no connection to a computer required to change apps and so on.. Wait, you mean iPhones have had to be connected to a desktop to do shit all this time? REALLY? your'e shitting me?! whoa. what fail.. ANYWAY, what you NEED to know about the new iPhone 4S is it introduces some awesome new functions and dialog box styles, er, and shit.. Nothing that hasn't already been in the wild on other manufacturer's handsets for years (as usual..), but the thing to keep in mind here is: "...only apple has built the lot so elegantly into the system...". So, there You have it, the iPhone 4S - more elegantly something or other.

ANOTHER AWESOME MOMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY NEWS INTERNATIONAL AND APPLE,

[playthatbeat]

another sunday, another SUNDAY TIMES APPLE ARE GREAT suppliment..

In this week's episode, 2 (yes 2) people expose the 'user-friendly twist' in apple's new firmware for the iPhone - SIRI.. SIRI is '..fully linked into the operating system..' - this is awesome, and of coarse unique to Apple's awesome iPhone.. It's always bothered me that my android devices run applications that are not FULLY linked into the operating system.. especially worryingly are the one's only PARTIALLY linked, or even not linked at all. Wow, imagine that - software that isn't even a little bit linked into the operating system. tsk. the thought of it.

so anyway, back to SIRI - it's (and they admit it after reading this very thread..) an old old old old idea, first used to sell IBM PCs to us about 10 years ago - you got a microphone and some software, and You could train Your PC to do shit when you spoke. Nokia phones had this function also roughly about 10 years back, and the thing they both had in common was they sucked. THE SUNDAY TIMES want us to believe that the implementation of the idea was flawed by inferior non-apple realization, but that's not the case - the technology worked fine, it was just quicker to use your fuc*ing fingers.

VOICE RECOGNITION is the name of the game, failure is it's destiny.. The reason it got re-re-introduced about 10 Christmases ago was the evolution of cheap DSP masking - sampling the ambient background noise, then canceling it from the inputted audio to improve recognition chances, and the incorporation of a neural network to help it adjust to Your accent - it LEARNS your accent, but APPLE have taken things a step further by adding a vast database of prepared answers for Your stupid questions to the mix, and declaring it 'working'..

Nah, it ALWAYS worked, it was just a stupid fuc*ing idea. Akin to driving a car wearing gloves. OK, it's a boon for people who are disabled or inhebriated, i suppose, but the point glanced over is THIS CRAP HAS BEEN ON DROID FOR NEARLY 2 YEARS FOR FREE and it's not gone well.

So, iPhone fgts, enjoy Your VIRTUAL ASSISTANT, enjoy talking to it and asking it things you already know the answer to, for that serotonin rush of affirmation - after all, that's what apple is all about!